I amble into the breakroom of my office job and spot Bill digging through the non-dairy creamer options in the cupboard above the sink. We meet at the Senseo® machine.
“Hey, Bill.”
“Hey, Robert, how’s it going?”
“Not bad.”
Pause.
“Bill, can you grab me a Hazelnut Waltz?”
“Whoa, that’s a good one. Here you go.”
“Thanks. What are you drinking?”
“Boca Sunrise.”
“Nice.”
Pause
“Hey, Bill, could I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“I mean, I really need you to be honest.”
“No problem, Rob.”
I look around, lean in and speak in a hushed tone, almost a whisper.
“Does my butt look big to you?”
Pause
Bill fidgets, starts rearranging the sweetener options. “Aw, no, not at all! No. You look . . . fine.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really, I wouldn’t lie.”
“See, I’m doing these exercises and I’m worried about . . . the overall size.”
“No, man, you’re cool. I haven’t noticed a thing.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah.”
Pause
Bill opens two packets of Splenda. Picks up a coffee stirrer. Takes a quick glance my way.
Pause
“I thought those black chinos the other day really worked for you. Maybe if you wore those more often.”
“Okay, that’s a good idea.”
Pause
“Have you tried pleats?”
“What would that do?”
“I don’t know. Pleats are kind of poofy. That might . . . . give you more room.”
Long pause
We stare at each other.
4 comments:
Memo to self: close office door before reading Robert's blog at work. I'm laughing so hard! Word of advice --pleats will make your butt look big. I think they make stretch Levis. Just keep chanting "bigger butt means more power".
You should totally write for The Office.
Please please please don't wear any kind of pants with pleats. That's not cool man. Not cool.
well, it does kinda look big from here...
Post a Comment